Running the Race .. Forwards ...

Been spending the entire day "uncluttering" my room. Going through each and every single article and throwing out stuff that belongs only in the past.

I realised that although there are things that really needed to go (college books and old magazines), some things reminded me of things that I really enjoyed and a period in my life where I thought I was "chasing the dream."

There was a time where I was playing bass semi-professionally, getting paid to play music, getting paid to be an audio-engineer, touring Asia with the production, The Magic of Love etc.

Besides the money and "professional" area in my musical life, I was actually playing music EVERY single day. It was either rehearsals for my own recitals, playing for other people's concerts, composing/arranging music for commercials and movies besides assignments. That was only on weekdays. On weekends, it was playing in church and coming up with new arrangements new songs, being a sound engineer and creating the best tones with the rest of the musicians etc. I mean, I actually enjoyed and looked forward to playing in church every week!

To me, that was it! I was living the life - I thought I could do that all my life. In fact, I was very contented and was already heading that direction.

Now, it seems everything has changed. Going through my old stuff - the old concert scores, concert programs, musical arrangements, email exchanges etc. I really really miss the life of a musician.

Even though I know what I'm pursuing now is from God, there really are times where it all becomes a struggle. There are times when I ask God, is this really it? I have put so much effort into my ministry and have strived so hard for the passion and the excellence in the ministry and the company that sometimes I think the joy of serving is slowly creeping out of me. I'm praying so hard that it won't.

Very few people know this, but I do feel very lonely serving in the current ministry in my church. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one trying so hard to push the ministry forward. I really thank God that recently more and more people are getting enthusiastic about going forward with the ministry and I pray that they'll get even MORE passionate about serving. Serving not as a responsibility, but as a Passion - a Passion for God, a Passion for Jesus, a Passion for the Holy Spirit.

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There is something very heavy on my heart now. As I was going through my old music stuff, I realised that although my passion has grown for serving the Lord, I have neglected a very special person in my life. In fact, because I was not careful, I have let the "work" affect the "love" in my relationship with Salome. Because we are both serving so actively in the ministry and so many things need to be done in a growing ministry, we hardly have time for ourselves. Any free time we have would be allocated to ministry meetings, training our musicians, meeting our youths, planning and organising ministry stuff like the coming Expo event.

It really has taken a toll on us. I can't even remember the last time we went out together - just the 2 of us. Nowadays, it seems like the things we talk about hardly leave the subject of our ministry or our church. It's actually scary. It's hard to even talk about other things, but that's not the scariest part. The scariest part is that sometimes we get so tired with "work," we don't even talk to each other at all. I think it's been almost one week since I actually talked to Salome over the phone besides the occasional call asking about arrangements for certain church events was more than a week ago.

In the past, we would rehearse for shows together, compose and arrange music together for projects and that really kept the fire burning in our relationship. Now, it seems we have let the "work" over take us.

This is not a lamentation. This is just a very scary wake up call and I know that if I don't do something about this now, the conclusion wouldn't be very sweet. Knowing that, however, I also know that there is a long and difficult race to run in my ministry and my calling. I pray for God's wisdom in balancing my life - to run the race with passion and determination but at the same time keeping space in my heart and life for the people I love and care about.

To all my friends, youths and fellow runners in the race, please pray for Salome and pray for me. Most importantly, please pray for us. It's not easy being leaders in the ministry - it's even harder when BOTH of us not only want to lead a team; we want to be HISTORY MAKERS in this ministry and influence the world around us to be different - to have a Passion for Excellence to serve our God who truly deserves it!

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Coming back, I think one thing that's really really really cool is that at the end of the day, even through all the stuff I'm facing, I know my destination and I know I'm going on the right track. I know that my destination is to be a History maker and to bring a Passion for Excellence into the kingdom of God.

This afternoon I got an SMS from Fangmin and it said,

"Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written in it; for the time is near."

She said she got an impression of this verse for me and the time is near. I really pray that it is so. That the time will be near, when the prophecies that the Lord has so graciously given to me will come through!

Amen!